Awkward Time with Lemongrab & Lemongrab
by sinovenator
Summary: A collection of Lemonzest (Lemongrab/Lemongrab clone) one-shots I originally wrote for Tumblr. Thought I'd start posting them here too.
1. This is a chapter title

"That's new," the Earl of Lemongrab mumbled to himself for about the eleventieth time that hour. He was hovering over his friend's bed, watching him sleep. This had been going on for several nights now, and as always the poor guy was blissfully unaware of how pants-wettingly creepy he would've looked to anyone with a lick of social sense.

Up until recently, the earl's feelings toward other people tended to fall pretty neatly into one of two categories: hate with a burning passion, or hate with a not-quite-burning-but-still-fairly-passionate passion. Then this other Lemongrab had come along and flipped everything on its sour-sweet citrus candy head. It was love at first poke—or at least, it would have been if Lemongrab had anything resembling a healthy concept of "love". Even so, he'd felt something inside him... soften. For the first time in his short, unhappy life, he _didn't_ want to strangle the life out of this nude ragamuffin who dared violate his personal space.

"That's nyewww," the earl murmured yet again, cautiously poring over the memory in his head.

The clone shifted and mumbled something in his sleep. Lemongrab started at the sudden noise. Instinctively and with the usual needless dramatic flair, he threw himself face-first to the ground. His forehead struck the tiles with an earsplitting _CRACK_, and he clapped his hands over his mouth in a pitiful attempt to muffle his "Mmmmnnnyearrghaaaaaaaa_AAAAAAAA!_" of agony.

Lemonfriend leaned over the edge of the bed, rubbing his eyes. "Hmmm? You okay down there?"

Lemongrab froze. "I, Irolledoutofbedinmy_SLEEP_," he blurted.

The clone glanced over at his friend's bed, a good thirty feet away. (As well as immaculately-kept, the two earls' sleeping quarters were quite roomy.) "All the way over here?"

Lemongrab's face was utterly expressionless. "…Yes."

The clone stared at him for another couple of moments. "Perhaps you should install a guardrail. Or switch to a king-sized." Frowning a bit, he reached down and gently brushed his fingertips over Lemongrab's forehead. "Ow. Do you require ice?"

"Ice. Yes, of course. Ice for the ouchie, haaah." His mouth was running on autopilot. Right now he couldn't think of anything but the fact that Lemonfriend was touching his face, with his _hand _no less—_eyuugh_, everyone knew how filthy hands were!—yet he felt no urge to shove his clone away. No, if anything, he wanted Lemonfriend to… touch him… some more…?

For some unfathomable reason, the idea made his face feel hot. A fever? Could he be sick? That would certainly explain how weird he'd been feeling lately, but no—when he thought about it, it was almost a good kind of weird, whatever sense _that_ made.

* * *

"Oh, Lemongrab, I'm so sorry." Princess Bubblegum rushed over with the ice pack and carefully pressed it to her son's forehead. (Apparently acute cranial trauma was his thing now.) She sat next to him on the bench and went on, "I know my candy citizens need a little time to get used to you, but that's still no excuse for—for—what did Mr. Cupcake _do_, exactly?"

Lemongrab sniffled. "Nyahhhh… well… he manhandled me and had everyone line up and take turns punching me in the face. Then he threw me in the royal alligator pit."

The princess blinked quizzically. "We don't have a royal alligator pit." Lemongrab only blinked back. She sighed and adjusted the ice pack. "I'll have a word with Mr. Cupcake later. Now, what is it you wanted to talk about?"

The earl looked down, scuffing the ground with his feet. "Lemongrab."

"You or him?"

He gave her a withering look. "Hiiim."

"Yes, what about him? Are you two still getting along?"

Lemongrab nodded. "I, uh… don't hate him?"

Princess Bubblegum giggled. "Well, that's certainly good to hear."

Abruptly he sat bolt upright, and the princess flinched away from his sharp gaze. "No! It's _more_ than not hating!" he squawked. "I feel all burny in my face and guts when I think about him, almost like I'm sick but not really, and, and I want him to _touch_ me! What's _wrong_ with me, Princess? Am I dying?! _AM I_ _DYING?!_"

"Shhhh. Lemongrab, you're hyperventilating." The princess had pressed the ice pack back to his forehead and was stroking his arm soothingly. She knew he didn't like to be touched but couldn't think of anything else just now. "Now just calm down and try to explain as best you can, all right?"

"I… I… _nnnnghhhh_… I am _CALM!_" To her surprise, his shoulders relaxed and his breathing slowed somewhat. That must have taken quite a bit of willpower. She smiled. It seemed he'd already come a long way. "But Princess, I don't know what to do! Even if he's making me sick, I don't want him to leave me…" He laced his fingers together. "I suppose I'll just have to deal with the funny tingly fever I get when he's around, huh?"

"Funny tingly—" She broke off, a grin soaring across her face. "Oh. Ohhh. _I_ see what's going on."

Lemongrab stiffened. "What? What's going on?"

The princess smoothed out a crinkled spot on her son's shirt with her spare hand, unable to contain a giggle at his deer-in-the-headlights expression. "You're not sick or dying or anything un-math like that. Sorry to disappoint you."

Lemongrab looked puzzled. "Uhn? That does not disappoint me. I very much lack disappointment. Woohoooo."

She laughed again. "Never mind. Just let your mama tell you allll she knows."

And so the princess of the Candy Kingdom did her best to give her clueless creation a crash course in the art of courtship. Lemongrab listened in complete silence, his eyes growing huge and round as she went on.

"Trust me," she was saying now, "he'll _totally_ love that. And who knows? It might even make him want to _touch_ you." She winked at him.

"Touch, yes. Touching can be good." The earl gazed at her. Inexplicably, his arms started to twitch.

Princess Bubblegum raised an eyebrow. "You feeling all right?"

She gasped when he scooted closer and awkwardly threw his arms around her neck. He pulled away after a brief moment, but there was no mistaking what he'd just done. It was a bona fide hug, from Lemongrab of all people.

"Lemongrab," she said softly. "That was so sweet of you."

"Uhh?" He made a face. "D-Don't get any weird ideas, now. My arms slipped and also my body. Yeah…" He leapt to his feet. "Well, thanks for the advice, Mother. See you."

She nodded. "Yeah. See you…"

Tears stung her eyes as she watched her adorkable son do a bizarre little half-stumble, half-dance over to his lemon steed and ride off into the sunset.

_Mother._

* * *

It took time and the generous application of Lemongrab's innate lemonstylez to cultivate his friend's gift. At long last, it was ready. "Eureka," Lemongrab said to the lemon bonsai in its small clay pot, not so much due to this revelation as the fact that it was a Eureka lemon tree and he just liked saying the word.

After pacing the halls of Castle Lemongrab alone for two hours or so, he forced himself to muster his courage and look for his friend. He found him tending to the ordinary-sized lemon trees in the throne room. Weeks ago, the earls had begun the arduous process of reshaping a tree into a suitable throne for Lemonfriend and installing it next to the original Lemongrab's. Soon it would be ready for use. Warmth rose to Lemongrab's cheeks as it occurred to him that the two thrones were well within arm's reach of each other. That couldn't be a good sign. If he started feeling funny just thinking about sitting next to Lemonfriend, how in Ooo was he going to handle—

"Hello? Is that you, dear?"

Lemongrab shrank back out of sight, cringing. Yep, he'd officially lost his nerve. Maybe he should just leave the bonsai here in the hall for Lemonfriend to find and hightail it back to his room. Careful not to make any noise, he set the plant down and turned to leave. …

"What's this thing?"

Lemongrab screeched and jumped so high he whacked his head on the ceiling. "Uh, bonsai. It's a bonsai," he spluttered to Lemonfriend. He swallowed his anxiety, which went down with all the smoothness of a rabid sea urchin. "It's a kind of small bonsai. _TREE! _I mean tree. Small little bonsai tree, haha." He forced a smile, but inside he was facepalming. He might have to send himself to the dungeon for this later.

"Oh." Lemonfriend picked up the tiny tree and stroked its glossy leaves. "How avant-garde."

Lemongrab folded his arms behind his back. He stared down at his feet. "It's for you."

"For me? Did _you_ grow this?"

Lemongrab nodded, not looking up.

"It's so… symmetrical." The clone placed a hand on Lemongrab's shoulder. His voice softened. "…Like you."

Well, it was now or never. Time to try that mouth-touchy thing Princess Bubblegum had told him about. Sucking in a deep breath, he clumsily mashed their faces together.

Oh, glob. Lemongrab hadn't counted on their noses getting in the way! Barking out incoherent grunts of exertion, he struggled to make their mouths meet. The clone blinked, not saying a word. Panic crushed Lemongrab's chest with an iron fist. He was ruining everything. _EVERYTHING!_

He jerked his face away. "Ah, haha. Wasn't that diverting? Well, goodbye." _To seven infinity years in the dungeon, _he added silently as he whipped around to make his escape.

Lemonfriend hugged him from behind, stopping him in his tracks. "Remember when I said you should get a king-sized bed?" he asked.

Lemongrab looked over his shoulder at him, bewildered.

"Well," the clone said, "I have a better idea. You should get an _earl_-sized one." He leaned in closer, smiling. "Big enough for _two_ earls."

"O-Oh!" Lemongrab murmured. And Lemonfriend squished their faces together in another awkward pseudo-kiss.

This time, Lemongrab didn't mind as much when their noses got in the way.


	2. This is also a chapter title

As his camel crossed the jelly-toast drawbridge leading to Princess Bubblegum's castle, the Earl of Lemongrab felt his guts give a twist of worry. _Has the grand hall always been so _big_? _he wondered. Even from the other side of the courtyard, he could see an awful lot of candy people milling around in there.

Lemonfriend trotted up beside him on his lemongasus. "What do you think it'll be like?" he asked Lemongrab, scratching his beady-eyed steed behind the ears. It nuzzled his hand with a pleased little whinny.

Lemongrab stared ahead and considered the question for a moment. "Crowded," he replied.

Maybe it didn't make much sense for him to be anxious now when he'd had no problem waltzing in to seize the throne from a younger Bubblegum. Then again, he'd been in charge that time. Barking out an endless stream of orders was one thing; he was well used to _that _(and quite good at it, if he did say so himself). Socializing, however, was another thing entirely. Lemongrab didn't do socializing—or other people in general, really, save for Lemonfriend and the princess. Still, he supposed he could suffer through just this one evening. Princess Bubblegum had invited the two earls to be the guests of honor at this party, and they'd rather not disappoint her.

"Ooh! Oooooh! Look yonder, my dear, look yonder!" Lemonfriend jabbed his scepter toward the entrance to the grand hall. "We've been spotted. Mother's waiting for us!"

"Yay," Lemongrab said dully.

Well, there was nothing for it. The earls guided their steeds over to Princess Bubblegum and slipped down to greet her.

"I'm so glad you boys could make it," the princess said, planting a kiss on each of their foreheads. Lemongrab grumbled a bit but made no move to dodge her. She smiled. "My peeps'll be sure to like you when they see just how sweet you can be."

Peppermint Butler appeared in the doorway. "Princess, the preparations are—" He froze at the sight of the original Lemongrab, then gave a nervous little chuckle. "H-Hey there. Long time no see, Your Earlness." He bowed, then turned to do the same to Lemonfriend. "Welcome, Your… uh… Other Earlness."

"Oh, he's a_dor_able," Lemonfriend cooed, kneeling down to the butler's eye level. "Lemongrab, we simply _have_ to get ourselves some squishy little candy citizens like this one. Well met, well met!"

He took Peppermint Butler's hand, shaking it with such genuine enthusiasm that the smaller candy person couldn't help but smile. "O-Oh my! Right back at ya, Your Earlness." Princess Bubblegum giggled.

Lemongrab felt out of place just standing there watching. He supposed he should say something as well. "Guess _WHAT_, Mr. Peppermint?"

The butler flinched. "Yeees?" he squeaked, forcing himself to smile at the older earl.

Lemongrab cracked a grin in return. He _meant_ to look friendly; in practice he looked more like a deranged Nightosphere escapee. He went on without parting his teeth, "I still don't know where food comes from!"

There was a drawn-out, uncomfortable silence in which Peppermint Butler wracked his brain trying to decide whether Lemongrab was joking. After all, the last time he'd tried laughing with the earl, he'd ended up with a twelve-year dungeon sentence. The candy citizens standing inside the doorway backed away as if afraid Lemongrab would explode and go nuts on them all just for being there.

Princess Bubblegum cleared her throat. "Peppermint Butler, you were saying about the preparations?"

"R-Right!" the peppermint said, obviously eager to change the subject. "As I was saying, the candy banquet is nearly ready, as well as the meal we've prepared specially for Your Earlnesses. Feel free to do as you like until then." He gave another hasty bow and dashed back inside to the safety of the crowd.

Princess Bubblegum coughed and gave each of her creations an encouraging pat on the shoulder. "Why don't you boys go enjoy yourselves? This party's for you, after all." She didn't mention that she'd paid most of these people to come. It would be better for everyone involved if the earls felt wanted. Speaking of which… "I have a surprise for you two once the festivities have died down," she added with a wink.

"A _what_ now?" Lemongrab started to say, but Lemonfriend was already tugging him along by the arm into the grand hall.

The party was now in full swing, dozens of candy people chatting and stuffing their faces with sugary treats from enormous banquet tables. Peppermint Butler could be seen darting among the groups that had formed, dutifully offering drinks from the platter he carried that were probably as artery-clogging as they were fancy.

"Come, tartheart! Let's mingle with some cute commoners!" The younger earl skipped off and disappeared into the crowd.

Before Lemongrab could protest, he felt a tap on his shoulder. "Nuh…?!" The earl turned and found himself face-to-face with Mr. Cupcake, the very peasant who'd recently beaten the lemony-fresh stuffing out of him. With a startled squeal, he stumbled back a few paces, feeling for the hilt of his sound sword. A few of the candy people standing around them gasped in alarm.

"Oh, no need for that," the cupcake said quickly, raising both hands in a soothing gesture. "I'd like to apologize for my most _appalling_ behavior when we last met. It seems I have misjudged you." He gave a brief, polite bow.

"Uh… oh." Lemongrab blinked, relaxing somewhat. Then he crossed his arms and haughtily turned up his long nose. "Well, as long as you know what you did wrong, I _suppose_ I can find it in my lemon heart to forgive you."

Mr. Cupcake bowed once more. "I am most grateful, Your Earlness."

The two went on to have a surprisingly pleasant conversation about nothing in particular. Out of earshot, a gumdrop muttered to his friend, "Would ya look at that cupcake? How much you wanna bet the princess is payin' him extra?"

The other gumdrop snickered.

* * *

Meanwhile, Lemonfriend was having the time of his life shooting the breeze with his fellow partygoers. Oh, how _had_ he gone all his life without any precious candy citizens of his own? (In his excitement, he forgot that he hadn't actually been alive that long.) He pranced from group to group, introducing himself to so many people he lost count. For some reason they seemed taken aback by his friendliness, but he decided it didn't matter. The ice was officially broken.

With three exceptions, that is.

Huddled together under a banquet table, the notorious Pup Gang awaited their chance to strike. As far as they were concerned, Finn, Jake and the princess had been _way_ too soft on Lemongrab for all the trouble he'd caused the gangsters. This party presented the perfect opportunity to humiliate him in front of the whole Candy Kingdom. At this point they didn't even care _which_ Lemongrab took the fall as long as they got to lay the smackdown on a lemon candy person.

"Listen up," Jamaica whispered to the others. "We're goin' in for the triple-decker atomic wedgie, just like we practiced on that Nutty Duke chump. Got it?" Blombo and Toughy gave affirmative grunts. "All right then. Phase one, go!"

Tensing, Toughy watched for a gap in the crowd that would clear the path to Lemonfriend. _Wait for it… wait for it… there! _He bolted out from beneath the table and made a beeline for the earl.

Just as the Pup Gangster reached his target, Lemonfriend turned around. He vaguely remembered Toughy from the fiasco at Castle Lemongrab, but being so young, he knew nothing of these kids' nasty reputations; all he saw was a cute, chubby little candy child. So he reacted as he would to any other cute, chubby little candy child.

"Well, aren't you just a doll," gushed the earl, kneeling down to pet Toughy on his squishy blue head. He'd learned a bit about candystylez from the older Lemongrab, so he was well aware of how much these people loved physical affection.

"H-Hey! Whaddaya… think you're…" Toughy tried to bat Lemonfriend's hand away, but only half-heartedly. Not even a Pup Gangster was immune to stroking and snuggling. As the people around them muttered to one another in amazement, Toughy rubbed his face against the earl's hand, sighing contentedly.

"Yo, Jamaica! What's Lemongrease doin' to Toughy?" Blombo hissed.

"Nightosphere if _I_ know!" Jamaica snapped back. "C'mon, we gotta do somethin'!"

They darted out from their hiding place and over to their fallen comrade. Moments later, Lemonfriend was sitting on the floor with all three Pup Gangsters curled up in his lap like dozy kittens. A series of "_Awww_"s rippled through the crowd. To think that a _Lemongrab_ had subdued the gangsters, and without the need for force!

It wasn't meant to last.

Lemongrab was threading his way through the crowd in search of the other earl. He felt less on edge after his encounter with Mr. Cupcake; nevertheless, he could only handle so much interaction with "normal" candy people in one sitting.

He waited for a knot of donuts to part and let him through, but they seemed preoccupied with something happening just ahead. He growled with impatience and pushed past them, ignoring their complaints.

_Ah, there he is!_ But why in Ooo was Lemonfriend sitting on the filthy floor? Why were people gathering around to look at him? And who were those kids with—

Before he'd even finished the thought, Lemongrab whipped out his sound sword. All around him, candy people stumbled out of his way, peppering the air with their shrieks of terror.

"_YEOUUUU!_" Lemongrab screeched, brandishing the humming weapon at the Pup Gang. It never registered with him that the gangsters weren't actually doing anything to harm Lemonfriend; it was purely a knee-jerk reaction, born from an instinctive need to protect the younger earl.

Adding their own screams to the already deafening commotion, the gangsters scrambled to hide behind Lemonfriend. They might be criminals, but at the end of the day they were still children as well. (It didn't help that this was the same guy who'd already traumatized them for life.)

As candy people fled the grand hall in a mad rush, Lemonfriend leapt to his feet, spreading his arms to shield the trembling Pup Gangsters from the older earl's fury. "Lemongrab, _no_!" he pleaded.

Lemongrab paused in his advance, but he didn't lower his sword. His wild gaze flicked from Lemonfriend to each member of the Pup Gang. "But… they… you…!" He trailed off, confused.

"I don't know what you have against them, but please don't do this. They're only children, Lemongrab." Lemonfriend's voice cracked. He looked like he might be about to cry.

"Ggh… _mnrghh_…?" Lemongrab took a step backward, nearly bumping into Peppermint Butler, who held a plate of pale, wobbly tofu.

"Ah, I finally found you, Your Earlness! Here is your foo_AAAAAHHHH_!"

Screeching gibberish and slashing his sword (though he didn't fire any sound waves), Lemongrab charged at the unfortunate peppermint and chased him outside. The butler and his pursuer dashed a few laps around the castle courtyard, which was deserted save for a handful of banana guards who weren't about to approach a maniac wielding a long-range weapon.

Finally, his anger spent, Lemongrab sheathed his sound sword and plopped down on a bench to catch his breath.

"I'll… _hah_… just leave your food… here, okay?" Peppermint Butler called out between gasps for air. He set down the plate of tofu on the nearest bench, obviously not thrilled by the idea of coming any closer to the unstable earl than necessary. Then he turned and made himself scarce. (He seemed to be doing a lot of that today.)

Panting, Lemongrab watched him go. Nausea burbled in his gut as it dawned on him that he'd royally, _royally_ screwed up.

Moments later, he heard Lemonfriend call his name. He dove into the mint bushes behind the bench, not ready to face the other earl, and didn't relax until all was silent once more.

He started to get up and flopped down again when he heard more voices approaching. Lemonfriend's was not among them.

"I hear ya, man, I hear ya," a gumdrop was saying. Unbeknownst to Lemongrab, of course, it was the same guy who'd snarked about Mr. Cupcake earlier.

"At least there are a couple of banana guards around in case he comes back," his friend said. There was a creak as the two sat on the bench, oblivious to Lemongrab's presence.

"Not that they've been much use today. I feel sorry for the princess, bein' stuck with a wacko like _him_ for a son."

"The Lemongrab with the white outfit seemed pretty nice," the other gumdrop pointed out.

The first gumdrop snorted. "Yeah. Too bad he isn't the _only_ Lemongrab. Talk about an embarrassment. That nutjob's just a burden on them both."

Throughout the conversation, Lemongrab had begun to quiver with renewed rage. At this last, however, he felt his anger rush out of him like air from a deflating balloon. His chest tightened as he remembered the fear in Lemonfriend's face.

I _made him look like that, _he thought.

And for the first time he began to understand, really _understand_, just how much of a bother he was to _everyone_—even the people he cared about the most.

A sudden sob wrenched itself up from his belly, and he curled up into fetal position, not bothering to lift his face from the swiftly-forming puddle of his own tears.

"Uh… you hear that, dude?" he heard the gumdrop's friend ask.

But the first gumdrop had already stood up on the bench to peer behind the mint bush—and recoiled with such force that he tumbled off his perch, landing on his back with an audible thud. "Oh, _glob_! It's the psycho, man! Let's get _outta here_!"

Through his blubbering, Lemongrab was vaguely aware of the pair pelting off with such speed that the sound of their footsteps soon faded.

He lay there shuddering and weeping for what could have been minutes or hours; he'd lost all track of time. The wet dirt softened to mud. The side of his face was probably streaked with the stuff, he thought numbly. Did it matter?

More approaching footsteps. This time it sounded like only one pair of feet. He huffed, not caring—then tensed as he realized he recognized those footsteps.

He sat up and hid his face in his hands, not wanting Lemonfriend to see him like this.

"Lemongrab!" he heard the younger earl exclaim. "I was so worried!"

"How did you know I was here?" Lemongrab asked weakly.

"A couple of gumdrops tipped me off." Lemongrab sensed concern in his voice as he went on, "What in Ooo happened here, tartheart? Oh! You're not hurt, are you?!"

Lemongrab shook his head.

"Thank goodness," Lemonfriend sighed. He offered his friend the hand that wasn't already occupied by his scepter.

Lemongrab stared at it through his fingers, then slowly turned his face away. "You don't need me," he said. His voice was an unfamiliar croak.

"What are you talking about?" Lemonfriend asked. He leaned over, trying to meet Lemongrab's eyes. His brow was furrowed in consternation.

The words seemed to drag themselves like thorns from Lemongrab's raw throat. "You could live here if you wanted. You get along with people. I just mess everything up. Even when I try to help, I mess everything up." He breathed heavily, exhausted by this short speech.

"Try to—" Lemonfriend blinked. "Is _that_ what all that was about earlier?!"

Lemongrab nodded miserably. "Those kids, the Pup Gang. They're notorious troublemakers. And when I saw them with you, I thought… I was afraid…" He trailed off, whimpering.

"You were afraid they'd hurt me," the younger earl said softly. "Lemongrab, I had no idea. I'm so sorry."

Lemongrab said nothing.

"My brave earl. Looks like I need you after all, eh?" Lemonfriend went on with a small smile, trying to lift the gloomy mood that hung over them like a storm cloud. "It might not have looked like it, but I wasn't sure how much more party I could take. I guess I'm good at making myself forget feeling nervous, ha ha. Anyway, candy people are lovely, but at the end of the day they don't understand our lemonstylez. I like our way better."

Caught off guard by the familiar words, Lemongrab glanced up. Quickly he jerked his head to one side so Lemonfriend wouldn't see how filthy he'd gotten, but it was too late.

Lemonfriend frowned. "You poor thing." He knelt down and set his scepter aside, then gently took Lemongrab's face in his hands. Lemongrab didn't object, but his eyes flicked away, still too ashamed to meet his friend's gaze.

Lemonfriend licked his sleeve beneath the wrist and set to work carefully clearing Lemongrab's face of mud. After a long, stressful day, his tender touch was so soothing that Lemongrab found himself beginning to nod off.

"There, all done," Lemonfriend said after a minute or so, leaning back a bit to examine his handiwork. "Really, though, you didn't look so bad with the mud. I bet you could have started a trend." He grinned.

Lemongrab gave a tiny, reluctant smile in return. "You think?"

"Definitely! You could even have your own catchphrase—'Muddiness is next to globliness'!"

They burst out into their characteristic flat, awkward laughter that only a lemon candy person would recognize as genuine.

Lemonfriend wiped away tears of mirth. Still chuckling, he said, "Well, we'd better say our goodbyes to Mother and be on our way."

Lemongrab's smile faded. "She's going to hate me for ruining her party."

"She won't. In fact, I'll talk to her myself."

"But you didn't even do anything wrong! I'm the one who—"

"No," Lemonfriend told him firmly. "You protected me. Now it's my turn."

Lemongrab started to protest again, but the younger earl's expression made it clear that the topic was closed. "Thank you," he said, touched by his friend's loyalty.

* * *

Princess Bubblegum _was_ angry, though no one could really blame her. Once Lemonfriend had explained, though, her fury simmered down to mild irritation. "Next time, please make sure someone's actually in danger before you start waving that thing around in a room full of excitable candy citizens," she said to Lemongrab, who nodded meekly.

She led them through her castle for the surprise she'd promised earlier. Lemongrab supposed it could only be a good sign that she still wanted to give it to them at all.

"Wait right here," the princess told them, and went into her bedroom. She reappeared with an armful of pink… something.

"Here you go, boys," she said with a smile.

Hesitantly Lemongrab picked up what turned out to be a sweater the exact shade of Princess Bubblegum's hair. Staring at it, he held it away from his body as if it were a bag of biohazardous waste.

"It's to wear, silly," said the princess. "Feel how soft it is. I know how sensitive you two are to certain fabrics, so I came up with a series of mathematical formulas which allowed me to engineer—" She launched into a complicated technical explanation of how she'd designed the fabric.

The Lemongrabs had no idea what she was talking about, but once they'd put on the sweaters (Lemonfriend pulling off his dirty top beforehand), they had to agree that they'd never found anything so pleasing to the touch. " 'Cept _you_," Lemongrab whispered loudly to Lemonfriend. They giggled.

"Oh, you two," the princess said, joining in their laughter. "Well, now that you know how I made the sweaters, let me explain their significance."

Though she spoke gently, something in her tone compelled them to give her their undivided attention.

"These sweaters are symbols of our bond as mother and children," she said. "Lemongrabs, I want you to always feel welcome here in the Candy Kingdom. You don't have to wait for an invitation to come visit me. Please remember that."

"So… you don't hate me?" Lemongrab asked timidly.

"For trying to do the right thing?" the princess exclaimed. "Of course I don't hate you, dummy!"

And with that, she pulled her sons into the most wonderfully soft bear hug anyone in Ooo had ever had the luck to experience.

* * *

The princess insisted they spend the night in one of her many guest rooms. Exhausted as they were, they agreed.

It was a relief to finally have some alone time with each other. Princess Bubblegum had even sent for their dorky glasses and a few books so they could read before bed, just like they liked to do at home. With a sleepy, contented sigh, Lemongrab joined Lemonfriend on the mattress, and they read side-by-side in companionable silence.

Nothing in the world, he decided, could quite compare to snuggling beneath the cool sheets with a warm friend.


	3. Yep, this sure is a chapter title

"Huh? You want to go flying?"

Lemonfriend nodded eagerly. "Don't _you_?"

Lemongrab blinked. He rose to his knees and peered out the window behind their bed. "Kind of late for a scouting flight, don't you think? Won't it be too dark to see anything?" He pushed aside the bonsai they kept on the sill, giving Lemonfriend a better view.

"Actually, I was thinking more of a _recreational_ flight," the younger earl said with a wink. He tugged on Lemongrab's sleeve. "C'mooon. Don't you want to help me test out the new saddle?"

"Well…"

"Great! Let's set out while the night's still young, shall we?"

The two slipped into the pink sweaters Princess Bubblegum had given them, for it was going to be a nippy night. Wondering how he always got roped into these things, Lemongrab followed his friend to the stable where their steeds slept. He watched Lemonfriend saddle up his lemongasus with quick, practiced ease. Groggy at first, the animal perked up when its owner offered it a tasty sugar cube.

Lemongrab hoisted himself up to the back seat, but as he swung his leg into position, Lemonfriend said, "Why don't you sit in front this time?"

Lemongrab stared at him. What was with this guy tonight? "Uh… is that a good idea?"

"There's nothing to flying ol' Gussy," his friend said, patting the beast's broad haunch. "You know how mild-tempered he is. He's just a big tartie."

Lemongrab wrinkled up his nose. " …_'Gussy'_?"

"Hey! I couldn't just keep calling him 'Lemongasus' forever, could I?"

Rolling his eyes, Lemongrab scooted forward and helped his friend up to the back seat.

They just kind of sat there for half a minute before Lemongrab spoke up: "Now what?"

Lemonfriend gave an amused snort. "You have to tell him to take off, you know. A nudge with your heels should do the trick."

"Oh." He gave the animal's sides a light tap. It flicked its ears but was otherwise unresponsive.

"Harder than _that_, silly." Lemonfriend was snickering hard now.

Lemongrab shot him a withering look over his shoulder, then slammed his heels into the lemongasus's sides. Giving a startled bleat, it charged out the stable door. _"TOO HARD! TOO HARD!" _Lemonfriend hollered as, with a mighty thrust of its wings, the animal pitched upward into a near-vertical takeoff.

The earls could only hold on tight as the wind shrieked past, plucking at them with icy claws and nearly ripping them from their seats. Still rising at top speed, Gussy powered through a thick layer of cloud, and for a disorienting moment everything was an opaque off-white.

"_Makeitstopmakeitstopmakeitst opmakeitstop makeitstopMAKEITSTOPMAKEITST OP!" _Lemongrab was screeching at a pitch and volume that impressed even him.

"It's okay!" Lemonfriend yelled back. "He'll calm down on his own, I think!"

"You_ THINK_?! Well, _I_ think you _DIDN'T _think!"_ Why_, again, did he agree to this?

_WHUMPH_ through another cloud, _WHUMPH_ again, and all at once the lemongasus leveled off, slowing its flight to a serene soar.

As they waited for their racing hearts to settle down, Lemonfriend chuckled with relief. "Woo! That's certainly a new record for you, Gussy," he said. "You okay up there, Lemongrab?"

Lemongrab was still clamped to Gussy's neck for dear life. Craning his own neck around to glower at Lemonfriend, he wheezed, " 'Nothing to it,' _eh_?"

Lemonfriend shrugged helplessly, suppressing a cackle at his friend's harried expression.

"Stupid animal," Lemongrab grumbled, "overreacting to nothing and practically killing us." A sound like breaking glass echoed up from Ooo; somewhere, someone's irony meter had just shattered into a million pieces.

As he issued a steady stream of complaints, Lemonfriend peered past him to get their bearings. His eyes widened.

"Lemongrab," he said softly, "look."

"Ehhh? What is it now?" Lemongrab looked—and took in a sharp breath at the sight that greeted him. 

Before him stretched an endless expanse of fluffy cloud country, faintly luminous in the moon's glow. The stars seemed more numerous than usual, frosting the blue-black night sky in their lovely swirling constellations. Perhaps they were just easier to see without the competition from the artificial light back in Ooo.

"It's different so high up, isn't it?" Lemonfriend murmured. Lemongrab nodded mutely. Up here he felt very, very small… and somehow that wasn't a bad thing. Really, it was peaceful in a way, having that vast range of clouds between him and all the worldly worries that came with co-ruling an earldom.

His heart fluttered as he felt Lemonfriend hug his waist and press against his back, the shared warmth of their bodies dulling the bite of the chilly night air. For a time the two of them simply gazed up at the star-speckled heavens, letting the lemongasus fly where it pleased.

Glancing down to watch the beast's powerful wingstrokes, Lemongrab marveled at the way its primary feathers parted and curled, shaping the wind. Despite its size, it could glide for several minutes at a stretch with scarcely a twitch of the wingtips.

Lemonfriend followed Lemongrab's stare. "Impressive, isn't he?"

Lemongrab gave a noncommittal grunt. He had to admit to himself that Gussy was surprisingly nimble in the air for such a potbellied animal, but after that needlessly terrifying takeoff, he wasn't about to compliment the brainless creature aloud.

"Here, I'll show you how to steer." Lemonfriend wrapped his legs around Lemongrab's, and the older earl went rigid. Suddenly he didn't feel cold in the least.

"You just press in with your heels—_press_, mind you, not _kick into next Tuesday_—and lean in whatever direction you want to go. Gussy'll get the idea. He's smart."

A derisive "HA!" withered and died in Lemongrab's throat as Lemonfriend leaned in to demonstrate, pressing them closer together than ever. He had to force his breathing to stay even.

Lemonfriend must have caught the pained look on his face. "What?" he asked, a bit too innocently.

_He thinks this is _funny_! _"_What_ what?" he replied, trying to sound casual, which proved something of a challenge due to his rapidly-diminishing ability to think in sentences more complex than _"DUHHHH"_. Lemonfriend snickered softly in his ear. "All right, all right, enough 'help' from the peanut gallery," Lemongrab growled, wriggling his legs free. "I'm sure I can manage if it's as simple as you say it is."

"Oh? Be my guest." The sheer amusement in his friend's voice was worrying. Had he made the right choice? Once again, he wondered why Lemonfriend had insisted they go out for a "recreational flight" at this time of night in the first place. Surely it wasn't just an excuse to poke fun at him for how easily flustered he was… right?

Scowling, Lemongrab directed Gussy into a gradual dive. He'd had quite enough of Lemonfriend using the freezing temperature at this altitude as an excuse to crawl all over him.

"Where to now, dear?" his oh-so-clever friend was asking.

He was about to say something less than entirely polite when a familiar sight caught his eye, just visible through the ragged edge of a cloud. The lemongasus seemed to sense his intent and obligingly angled its wings toward their new destination.

As they descended through the clouds, the Candy Kingdom—their mother's kingdom—gradually came into view, silvered by the moon's light.

"Wow," Lemonfriend breathed, speaking for them both.

They soared closer. Many candy people were still out and about, socializing or taking advantage of the cool weather by jogging.

"Oooh!" Lemonfriend sat up straight and started flailing at everyone they passed over. "Wave at the people, Lemongrab, wave at the people!"

"Do I _have_ to?" But he did, if rather hesitantly. He felt a small smile creep across his face at his friend's bottomless enthusiasm. It was just too endearing; he didn't want to smother it.

Two or three candy people actually waved back, but mostly they just looked up at the earls in bewilderment. Still, Lemongrab supposed it was a step up from the usual running and screaming and hurling of heavy, blunt objects.

Gussy flapped past the bent tower on which Goliad and Stormo perched, locked as always in psychic combat.

"Awww, look, Lemongrab. They're in love. See how they're gazing so deeply into each other's eyes?" Lemonfriend's tone was dreamy.

Lemongrab's brow furrowed. "Uh… I'm not sure that's—"

Smiling kindly, Lemonfriend caught his eye, and suddenly they too found themselves unable to look away.

They had begun to slowly lean in toward each other when a jelly bean jogger yelled, "Get a room!"

"We have a _castle_, ya poobutt!" Lemongrab hollered back, and blew a noisy raspberry down at him. The guy stopped in his tracks, looking so affronted that both earls howled with laughter.

"Goodness. I've a feeling Mother's going to hear about this," Lemonfriend remarked between fits of hilarity.

"Let her," replied Lemongrab. The moment wasn't dead yet, and he wasn't going to let it die. He turned around, tugging his friend by the collar into one of their passionate squishy-nose-kiss-things. He even nudged Gussy into a banking turn to ensure that the grouchy jogger had a nice, clear view of the hot lemony action.

Approving shouts rose up from the Candy Kingdom's night life, a far cry from the way they'd once reacted to the diabetes-inducing affection between Tree Trunks and Pig. (It may or may not have had something to do with the fact that this particular jelly bean was a notorious killjoy.)

"Yeah, baby!"

"Mm-hmm, you _tell_ that jerkface!"

"Sweet, someone left an unopened bag of lollipops on this bench! …Oh yeah, and 'woohoo' or whatever for you guys up there. You're cool too."

When the earls finally pulled apart, Lemonfriend had a huge grin on his face. "It's about time, silly. I've been waiting for that all night."

"You… huh?!" Lemongrab felt his cheeks heat up. "Ohhh." He looked away, pouting. "Y'know, if _that's_ all you wanted, you could've just asked. No need to drag me out here at this ungrodly hour."

"But this way's so much more _fun_." With a massive yawn, Lemonfriend rested his head on his friend's shoulder. He nuzzled Lemongrab with his forehead. "Mmm. Guess we should be heading back, though."

"Yeah." Lemongrab couldn't hide the smile in his voice. It was hard to stay annoyed at this guy.

As the lemongasus rose into the night, the clouds parted to reveal the moon, and for a brief moment the three lemon candies' collective silhouette was printed against its bright disc.

The candy citizens who were awake to witness it thought they had seen few things so peaceful.


End file.
